To My Readers: Farewell

30 08 2008

It’s been a good run, and the last few months of my life have certainly been made very interesting by this blog. For anyone who wants to keep in touch, the Facebook group is here and I’ll be there posting nonsense somewhat regularly.

I’ll also be sending an official announcement of the availability of the book on FB as well.

For anyone that’s interested in some stats about this blog, here they are:

5 Most Viewed Posts

  1. Stupid Names
  2. Beyonce
  3. Straight Hair
  4. Creole Chicks
  5. Master’s Degrees

5 Least Viewed Posts

  1. Leap Year
  2. James Watson
  3. Zema Williams
  4. Fighter Pilots
  5. The Electric Slide

Total Page Views: Approx 740,000

Total Comments: Approx 38,000

Most Commented Post: Slave Food, 839 comments

As for the book, the text will be finished by September 15, and hopefully it won’t take more than a week or two to actually get the thing available in print. While I won’t release the title just yet, I’ll give a sneak preview of the cover art:

Everyone take care, and I’ll see you when I see you.

-Chris





Nigger

29 08 2008

This is the final post, and we all knew this was coming…

Nigger. The word is foul. It is at the very tip top of a tall pyramid of racial slurs used for black people – the people for whom more flagrant racial slurs exist than any other race.

Figure 1: The Big Damn Pyramid of Black Lexical Hate

Notwithstanding the atrociousness of the word itself, ‘Nigger’ has had a very interesting history. It naturally started out as a dismissive term used by whites to describe blacks, and it didn’t even necessarily have racist connotations. It remained in this form until the 19th century, when the term slowly transformed from racial to racist. The racist connotation of ‘nigger’ came to a head during the Civil Rights movement, by whose time the word had gone well beyond descriptive and dismissive, becoming instead an angry and proactive way to harshly degrade blacks (in parallel with the term ‘boy’ applied to grown fucking men).

Then came the hip hop generation, and the shit got complicated. Namely, black people started using the word everywhere from the corner store to the recording studio in what has widely been regarded as an effort to ‘take back’ the word and remove its harmful power. However good the intentions were in doing this, a single clear negative consequence arose…

Well-meaning whites started thinking it was OK to say it, too.

Figure 2: Viacom Viacom fucking goddamn Viacom

Oddly enough, when black people started using the word, non-blacks (whites in particular) wanted to convince themselves that the word ceased to be as a racial slur, and that it was OK for everyone to use it. Ignoring the patent weirdness of so-called non-racist white people being so eager to call black people ‘niggers’, every black person in America has certainly heard a non-black person make the following statement with complete and utter sincerity:

“I don’t get it. I mean, if black people can say it then why can’t I?”

This person is usually named ‘Chad’ and looks like this fucking guy:

Figure 3: Chad Biffington Toddwell IV

Before I address Chad, I need to explain something. Black people, like all people, have what’s called a boiling point. A boiling point is a person’s psychological threshold which, when crossed, causes that person to lose control of his or her normally functioning self. Each time a person is angered, fucked with, betrayed, or otherwise ill-treated, that person gets closer to his boiling point. Interestingly, race tends to be the determining factor in the behavior that results when a person actually reaches his boiling point. For example:

Figure 4: Losing their Shit (l to r): Whites, Asians, Arabs, Hispanics, Blacks

When Chad asks a black person “why can’t I say ‘nigger’”, 95% of black people reach their boiling point IMMEDIATELY. Contrary to popular belief, though, a black person who reaches his boiling point will usually not shoot you, shank you, or date your daughter…he will simply shut down intellectually. A blank, idiotic look creeps over his face, after which he will try to give you a response, but the words simply don’t come. He shakes his head and walks away exasperated, leaving Chad with the mistaken impression that he has a good point.

Figure 5: The goat-like stare of a black man (the author) at his boiling point

Fortunately, I’ve heard the Chad Question so many times that I’ve developed a scripted response to it:

Chad: “I don’t get it. I mean, if black people can say it then why can’t I?”
Me: “Do you have a girlfriend?”
Chad: “Uh, yea…”
Me: “Do you fuck her?”
Chad: “…..yeah….”
Me: “Cool. Mind if I fuck her?”
Chad: “DUDE! NOT COOL!”
Me: “I don’t get it. I mean, if you can fuck her then why can’t I?”

Unfortunately, this response isn’t given nearly often enough, so now we’re at the point where white people are so comfortable with the word ‘nigger’ that it can be heard, uncensored, on television programs that won’t even allow vaginas (not women) to be referred to as ‘pussies’. Abso-fucking-lutely amazing.

Barack Obama winning the presidency combined with newfound white comfort with the ‘N’ word will create the perfect storm of conditions for The Man to declare racism legally dead. After that, the only way we’ll be able to get them to examine their own inherent racsim will be to show them pictures of my friends like this one and demand they recognize how angry/uncomfortable they became:

Figure 6: Beige babies, anyone?





CNN

28 08 2008

There’s something just a little…sad…about news networks that feel the need to provide 24-hour newscasts. In my opinion, there are one of two ways to go about presenting news for 24 straight hours:

  1. Present relatively in-depth journalistic reporting in the vein of 20/20, Dateline, etc.
  2. Present tiny nuggets of news wrapping in layer upon layer of bullshit, flash, pomp, circumstance, and unnecessary analysts

Watching CNN is like watching a fucking Michael Bay film, except you replace the explosions and hot chicks with useless flashy graphics, maps, charts, and analysis that is either irrelevant or just doesn’t make any fucking sense at all. Case in point – after the end of the organized retardation that was the roll call vote at the DNC yesterday, CNN decide to have some cornball analyst predict what states Obama would need to win to take the general election:

Figure 1: Click here to see a video of this stupid fucking shit

The best part is how the anchor spent 20 awkward seconds explaining to Steve Hildebrand how to use the stupid fucking thing. We then proceed to have three and a half awkward minutes of this idiot making baseless assumptions about states Obama may or may not win to reach the magic electoral number. Thanks, CNN. That’s 210 seconds I could’ve spent masturbating.

Of course, at least this time the technology actually worked. Anybody remember the CNN pie chart clusterfuck from back in February during the Iowa caucus? For whatever reason, the producers at CNN decided to make Anderson “Stoneface” Cooper show a 3-D pie chart which was to be projected off a card he was holding. It failed MISERABLY.

Figure 2: Click here to see a video of this STUPID FUCKING SHIT

That’s right – Stoneface stands there pointing a card all up in your face like a cheating husband waving his cock around in the face of his mistress* while the “Best Political Team on Televsion” laughs awkwardly in the background and my precious time is wasted yet again. Of course, the pie fucking chart doesn’t add any value to the news cast. They could’ve just thrown it up on a regular screen. They could have used Excel. They could have even used a regular motherfucking pie. Of course, that would have violated CNN’s policy of…

And, of course, no self-respecting X-TREME NEWSCAST would have all these flashy useless graphics without a platoon of flashy useless idiots to man them and provide hour after hour of inaccurate predictions, forced analysis, and a heaping helping of unfounded ethos. That’s why we have The Best Political Team on Television:

Figure 3: Jesus fucking Christ…

Nothing screams ‘Gravitas’ quite like a bunch of over-the-hill political pseudo-analysts sitting behind a wall of laptop screens that, if you turn them around, probably have porn on them. Of course, this is the kind of thing that idiots find impressive and serves to distract the typical viewer that the Best Political Team on Televsion is ALWAYS WRONG ABOUT EVERY MOTHERFUCKING THING.

You can check out this clip to get a little dose of everything – unnecessary maps and other flashy shit, as well as useless commentary by the wall of laptops.

The most annoying thing about CNN, though, isn’t CNN itself. Rather, it’s the people who think they’re intelligent because they watch CNN. I didn’t even realize these people existed until I went off on Derek Ashong awhile back and some ass hat made the comment: “hopefully if you are watching CNN you have stepped up the vocabulary a touch with your decision to go beyond the local news.”

Anyone that thinks watching CNN requires a single brain cell more than is required to watch the local news is a complete and utter fucking lunatic who needs to have his testicles mailed to the Prince of Siam. I will conclude this post with my reply to the gentleman (or lady) that asked me to step up my vocab:

“…After all that, this guy, unlike you, doesn’t have time every evening to beat off to the works of Immanuel Kant while congratulating himself on his extensive vocabulary and ability to comprehend the ‘worldy and sophisticated’ flavor of CNN (CNN is a network that once aired a 15-minute segment on a water surfing squirrel. If this is your idea of high minded, then I apologize for arguing with you – because doing so is like fishing with dynamite).”

You must have a master’s degree to comprehend this instance of in-depth CNN reporting.

* It’s not really like that at all





Clinton Supporters

27 08 2008

I was about to pull into the parking garage near my office when NPR, which never fails to enrage me at least once a day, featured a report from the floor of the DNC. The report focused on Hillary Clinton’s supporters – specifically those who are refusing to support Barack Obama in spite of the following facts:

  • Obama won the nomination
  • Hillary Clinton is urging all her supporters to back Obama
  • The supporters are lifelong Democrats who have NEVER voted Republican or sat out an election
  • Everyone from Obama, to Clinton, to the DNC is urging party unity
  • John McCain will kill us all

Nearly everyone still supporting Clinton has two of three traits in common. First, they are middle aged white women. Seriously. Damn near all of them. Not only are they all middle aged white women, but they all look the same: short Hillary-style hairdo, moderately to severely overweight, pants suit of some sort, fucking goddamn pins and other pieces of feminist and pro-Hillary flair all over their clothing.

Figure 1: Hillary Clinton Supporter

Secondly, Hillary supporters fall into one of two categories: 1.) those who say they will vote for Obama if he’s willing to blow a requisite amount of sunshine up their asses (e.g. supporting roll call votes, etc.), and 2.) those who simply will not vote for Obama at all, despite Clinton and Obama supporting nearly identical policy proposals, and are in effect taking their balls (yea, that’s right) and going home. Both of these camps are insanely idiotic.

It’s interesting to know that women, who are supposed to be the fairer and more emotionally grounded sex, are willing to fuck over the whole entire country because their candidate didn’t win. They seriously think that if they skip the general election out of spite, then 4 – 8 more years of John McBush will somehow be Barack Obama’s fault instead of their own. I imagine these same women refuse to feed their infants and, when they die of starvation, they shrug their shoulders and tell the jury “hey…that nigga shoulda hit up a Hunan or somethin’.”

My favorite quote from these women comes in the following form:

“I’m a lifelong democrat. I’ve never voted non-Democrat in 40 years, and I’ve never sat out an election. But this time…I don’t know…I just don’t know.”

As a black person, it’s tempting to substitute “I don’t know” with “I hate niggers”, but I think this lets them off a little too easy. People who are racist are taught to be that way by their parents and by the media when they are still young, impressionable, and not responsible for what they are exposed to. Crying racism makes it too easy to shift blame to previous generations or abstract conceptions of “The Man”, and racism is a charge that’s way too easy for these women to deny (“my son has a colored friend!”).

Instead, I like to chalk up their reluctance to plain old fucking immaturity. It’s far more insulting to be called a child than a racist. They didn’t get what they wanted, so now they’re crying their figurative eyes out like a toddler that just spent a week in a sex offenders’ prison.

Figure 2: Hillary Clinton supporter

“My candidate didn’t win. Boo hoo. Now I’m gonna let the world burn and tell everybody ‘I told ya so!’” This is, of course, all the more infuriating because Obama’s black supporters on the whole would have never adopted a passive aggressive stance like this if Clinton won. Sure we’d be pissed, but we wouldn’t cut off our nose to spite our face. This is proven by the fact that black people didn’t stay home during the general election after Jesse Jackson (who was still respected in 1988) didn’t win the nomination 20 years ago.

Clinton supporters (middle-aged white ones in particular), however, are showing just how selfish they really are. They are willing to risk keeping the party divided at the start of one of the most crucial Presidential elections in modern history…just because their candidate didn’t win. Some are even willing to attempt to subvert Obama’s nomination by turning a roll call vote into an official vote, which they know damn well would tear the Democratic Party to SHREDS and ensure Republican rule for the next century. That’s right, people: these broads want feminism to prevail EVEN IF IT MEANS THE END OF THE WORLD.

Figure 3: Hillary Clinton Supporter

I’ll leave everyone with the following gem: http://www.ireport.com/docs/DOC-65630

Have a nice day.





To My Readers: The Final Three

26 08 2008

All,

Only three posts left (tomorrow, Thursday, and Friday) till we say goodbye. There will also be an official ‘farewell’ post on Sunday the 31st which will also include the name of the book.

If you haven’t already, register on the Facebook group for updates about book’s release: http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/group.php?gid=17135349852

Till then, use headphones to enjoy the following: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGAvd1K48A4

-Chris





Milk

25 08 2008

Here are three simple facts that fuck up each and every day of my life:

  1. I am lactose intolerant
  2. Everything that tastes good has milk in it
  3. I have no self-control

For whatever reason, most black people are lactose intolerant. Lactose intolerance is a condition by which you can’t digest certain sugars found in dairy products, rendering your butthole a cannon of unrelenting stank within ten minutes of consuming any of the following delicious foods:

Milk, cheese, butter, ice cream, pizza, Guinness, white russians, cereal, cheesecake, pudding, chocolate, coffee creamer, sour cream (this curses everything from baked potatoes to fajitas), cream of wheat, creme brule, eclaires, custard donuts, and pussy.

Figure 1: Contains at least 40% lactose

Unfortunately, it’s hard to eat anything in an American diet that doesn’t have fucking milk in it, so black people all over the country have had to find a way to deal with the persistent threat of farting loudly and stinkily in public. This explains a lot of negro modes of dress and even physiology. Allow me to elaborate:

Unlike women, men generally enjoy farts. We also don’t like clenching our ass cheeks together* (the standard method of fart suppression) because racist jerks might think we’re preparing for a prison term. As such, we tend to just let the farts out. Unfortunately, unlike normal farts whose timing and force are under the control of the farter, milk farts are self-actualized. They come charging out of your ass when, where, and however hard they want. If you’re not going to clench your cheeks, then you have to find a way to keep the fart from getting to other people’s noses. This explains the popularity of baggy clothing among black men.

Figure 2: It does not, however, explain this shit.

Baggy pants create a neutral zone of air between the asshole and the air used by the general public that’s large enough to dissipate the power of the fart before it osmoses out of the pants. Since farts rise, large t-shirts draped over the buttocks provide a secondary buffer zone that all but eliminates the fart stank before it reaches the nose. A side effect of this is, of course, Stinky Britches.

As for the women, everyone knows that the trademark of the black woman is the big black booty. Where did this come from? It’s actually quite simple. Everyone, regardless of race, has had the experience of holding back a cataclysmic fart. It starts in your middle torso and hurts like a motherfucker, until it plows its way through your colon making for the sphincter (and making lots of awkward noises along the way). Once there, the fart literally lays siege to your asshole, hammering away at the opening like Grond breaking through the gates of Gondor.

Figure : This is exactly how it feels

Only the power of the woman’s cheek clench can repel the ass-ault. Since most black farts are milk farts and, therefore, require extreme effort to hold back, centuries of hardcore cheek clenching have caused natural selection to favor black women with big booties. Smaller bootied women are unable to clench their cheeks as hard, making it more likely for a milk fart (which is intolerably stinky) to escape mid-coitus and send potential mates running for the hills before insemination.

Some asshole at a university somewhere is going to read this blog and actually try to base a thesis on its theories. Jumping Jesus Christ…

* Unless you’re this guy





Cherokees

22 08 2008

For those who don’t know, a powwow is a Native American gathering centered on song, dance, and food typically taking place on the weekends. There are very few things I don’t enjoy about powwows. The food is delicious, unhealthy, and cheap (or, if I’m dancing, free), there are hot women EVERYWHERE, and you get to talk shit all day with a bunch of wild snarling hostile Indians.

But there is one fucking thing about powwows that I absolutely cannot stand: the inordinate number of black people claiming to be Cherokee.

Figure 1: My brother, after claiming to be Cherokee (note broken foot)

If you were to base your assumptions of all American slave-descended black people on those you met at a powwow, you would assume they all had the following in common:

  • Dark skin
  • A pulse
  • Cherokee ancestry

It never fails that when I get done dancing, some fuckface gets all excited and approaches me bright-eyed and bushy tailed (if it’s a girl) or wannabe-cool and nonchalant (if it’s a guy) and tells me that they’re Cherokee as if it’s somehow special, even if it were true. YOU’RE AT A POWWOW, YOU FUCKING TARD! I’M NOT SURPRISED TO FIND INDIANS HERE! Maybe I’ll saunter over to Howard Homecoming this year and start telling all the black people I’m black. God fucking dammit.

Figure 2: “GEE! I WONDER IF THERE’LL BE BLACK PEOPLE HERE!!!”

For some reason, every single ‘Cherokee’ black person traces their Indian ancestry through a grandmother. I actually had a bet going at one point with another fancy dancer about who would hear the words “grandmother” and “Cherokee” uttered in the same sentence by black people the most. He won the bet, having heard it over 300 times in five fucking months. Though this trend seems to have died out a bit, in the late 90′s early 00′s it was VERY popular not only to say that your great-great-(to the nth power)-grandmother was Cherokee…but she was also a Cherokee PRINCESS.

Everytime someone utters the phrase “Cherokee Princess”, God sends ninjas to kill an Indian. That’s why there are so few of us left. The Cherokee Princess phenomenon got so bad that at one point a certain t-shirt became popular on the powwow circuit. The design of the t-shirt was a brothel called ‘The Cherokee Princess’ with pictures of white and black whores dressed as indian women running in and out. It remains the single most awesome thing I have ever seen.

Figure 3: Irony: Indian women portrayed as sex goddesses despite being notoriously prude

The only thing more annoying than the Cherokee epidemic is the one that’s slowly starting to displace it – the Blackfoot* epidemic. Since about 2004 or so, black people suddenly decided they didn’t want to be Cherokee anymore and instead started telling disinterested mixed indians like me that they’re Blackfoot.

Really? FUCKING REALLY, DUDE?!?!?!?!

At least large numbers of black people claiming Cherokee ancestry is historically and geographically plausible. But Blackfoot? The people from Montana and northwestern Canada where only about four black people have ever set foot in 500 years? FUCK THE FUCK OFF. You are more likely to be Martian than to be fucking Blackfoot.

Figure 4: He’s dark skinned, wears red/black/green, sports b-ball shoes, and clearly has an attitude problem. Marvin the Martian is blacker than Kunta Kinte.

Why is this something black people hate? Simple – this shit makes black people look stupid, and the part of me that’s black is very pissed off about our people looking stupid. Maybe you have indian ancestry, and maybe you don’t. Unless you’re actively involved in the culture, please shut the hell up about it. If someone wants to know, they will ask.

Imagine you’re in a step show and after your set some white-looking dude approaches you and says he’s 1/64th black. Pissed? Confused? Annoyed?

So are we.

* Not to be confused with the ‘Blackfeet’, who are blood-thirsty savages that will make love to your ten year old son and your smaller livestock.**

** This may or may not be true.








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